lame duck

Torn out pages in a diary,

lying scattered on the street,

like lost lives in a lottery,

We were never who we meant to be,

Following the road the wide eyed optimist,

With flailing arms adorned with fists,

We were the ones that never could resist,

We fight memory just to exist,

The romances that we can’t defend,

Struck dumb, but left too numb to mend,

And always too blind to let it end.



To call it quits, and call us friends,

My heart won’t break, it only bends…


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Feel the fire in my head,

lazer wire from my brain,

shot straight through my heart,

cut my head off from my hands,

not the life I wanted,

not the one I would ever chose,

force fed,

can’t believe it,

this distance I know we needed,

I’m not the one, but I am the one,

not the one, but I was the one,

I am only one,

I am the only one,



And now the lonely one.

Weak tea

This is the last negative post on this blog.
There will be no more.


It has been great to purge these thoughts, but the time has come to start dealing with them and moving on with my life. Writing things like this down has been a big help, but it had a time and a place.

I'm writing kids stories now, things are fun.

There are about 3 or 4 that are ready to go, looking for a publisher.
Start phoning around in the next couple weeks.

thanks,

Introspection

I hate this part of myself.
The weak part, the part that can't let go.
I hate feeling like this, I hate being like this.

I feel like such a joke,
that things meant so much more to me than anyone else.

I can't blame anyone but myself.
I moved here to make a life that might be worth sharing.

I don't even know if I want to be here anymore.
Every day I get reminded of my mistakes.

To a bed...

I want to be back in my bed,
where the covers safely hide me,
warm and safe I spend my day,
as my mind looks deep inside me,

I want to have you next to me,
to hold and call my own,
our metronome each others breath,
curled in our downy womb,

my life can fall to dis-array,
when no one else can find me,
but the only thing I'll ever need,
Is what you can supply me.

"I have a dream..."

I had a dream about you last night,
you smiled, took me by the hand,
and said that everything would be alright.

We fell asleep in each others arms,
so safe, quiet, and serene.

but when I woke I realized,


that it never happened,



...it was just a dream.

Gaslight anthem

I was born in a town where the rivers flow free
On a January night when the cold winds freeze
I got an Irish name and an injury
Blessing and a curse cast down on me
Ain't nobody got the blues like me
Ain't nobody got the blues like me

Was a blood red sky on the morning tide
Was a cold wind blowing when I left that night
And the morning bells rang, alright, alright
Shoulda stayed home with you that night
Ain't nobody played the fool like I
Ain't nobody played the fool like I

Things got bad and things got worse
Half like blessing, half like curse
It's these blessings so hard to see sometimes
Gotta little clearer about dusk last night
Ain't nobody got a blessing like mine
Ain't nobody got a blessing like mine

It's a red sky night and I'm doing alright
It's a red sky night and I'm doing just fine

life is strange

I don't want you to feel bad...
far from it.





Just want you to do slightly less better than I am.

Mental Case

Things have been good for a bit.
I still have snaps, and get these flashes of really low times.
They are fading, but at least its something.

For years I've been switched off, going through life just numb.
It's destroyed my life, and hurt the people I love the most.
I'm getting help, but things are moving really slowly.

I lost and hurt my best friend.
The only person I ever felt truly loved by.
I was too blind to see what was wrong,
and fooled myself into thinking everything was alright.
That I was alright, that I wasn't a failure.

I don't want to be a burden, I need to be positive.

But sometimes its almost more than I can take.

I just need to know that I mattered.
that I meant something.

Thats all.

Jan 10/09 -Catharsis / Sad bastard.

******OK NO MORE SAPPY SAD BASTARD WRITING.
ONLY POSITIVE FROM NOW ON.

Death comes for us all,
but not for me,
I will not be celebrated in song,
I do not exist in history,
I will not live on in memory,
we are immortal in our absence,
for we were never truly there,
and all the experiences in this life,

are as real as ships passing in a dream.

-----------------------------------

Hold me close,
I'm too afraid to live alone.
I do not need air,
I do not need soil,
I do not need water,
the cities can turn to ash and ruin,
achievement can crumble and decay,
everything good can fade from memory,
and bathe the world in a sea of grey,
I can embrace the end with open arms,

As long as I have you.
Telling me I'm great.


--------------------------------------

Your face follows me.
your memory haunts my mind
I see every waking moment,
soft and clear your dark eyes,

what do you see when you think of me.
dark and brooding waste of space,
a quiet absentee,

I wanted to be your world
to hold and make you whole,
you were everything that made my life,
a shadow for my soul,

Your happiness was my compass
you created and destroyed me.

A conversation I once had...

Cristina says:

that totally reminds me of something great I heard

Cristina says:

My friend saw Bruce Campbell in the mall,

and some kids walked up to him and asked

"Are you Bruce Campbell?"

and he resonded with

"Someone's gotta be"

Cristina says:

isn't that perfect?

My life has been toxic,
my mind is corroded and corruped by my heart.
I fooled myself for months into thinking that things were how I wanted them to be,
even though I was the problem.
You moved on but I was too far gone.
It took me 6 months to remember that you had told me you were seeing someone,
I blocked it out holding onto hope.
I brainwashed myself into holding on,
into thinking everything was alright,
that I was alright,
that I wasn't a failure.

I am intent to destroy everything that was raw and real and good in my life.
You became everything, and I'm left with nothing.